1) Chop off all inedible bits
2) Cut up
3) Put into covered microwave bowl with splash of water
4) Nuke for 4 minutes
5) Remember they are in there and don’t leave them for a week
A nice correspondent has written in to say that plastic takeaway containers make splendid microwave bowls. Just leave the lid loose.
If you use a ceramic bowl you will need longer than 4 minutes because the material absorbs heat.
This is based on my recipe for Chicken and Carrot pie.
Fry chicken, boil carrots lightly in chicken stock and butter, and add a little thickening flour made up into a paste. Put into a pie dish and cover with pastry, or fold into a giant turnover. Cook.
Raspberries are completely a carrot in this context.
Lentils and Rice is an easy dish to make, and to keep going for a few days. There is a bit of pre-prep of lentils, according to whatever cooking method they need. In this case, I soaked some for about four hours, after rinsing them.
Take a load of Indian spices from your cupboard. I used caradmom, ginger, ground cumin, dried chillies, turmeric, and garam masala. Cut up some garlic and some fresh chillies.
Anything that’s dry, put into a hot pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Add enough butter to cook wet everything, and then put in the wet spices, which is probably just the garlic chilli mix.
Add two onions which you have minced as finely as you could before you got bored. Smile a rictus smile as they turn yellow in the turmeric. Gaze into the yellowish abyss.
Add your pre-prepped lentils and enough water that everything is a slurry. Boil that for as many hours as you can be bothered. If they are red lentils, 40 minute maximum. Add a can of chickpeas for extra texture if all the crunch has gone.
Steam some rice. There are other ways of doing it, and you’re entitled to them, but steam the damned rice. 1:1 water and rice, in the steamer. Ignore for 20 minutes. Serve. Add hot sauce of any variety you like. Eat.
Chunks of cooking chocolate tend to be too sweet to make good hot chocolate. But we can try!
Take a small handful of chocolate chips, and add about a third of a cup of milk. Microwave for a minute and stir until bored of stirring – about ten seconds. Add milk up to the top, and heat for another minute, maybe minute and a half. If necessary, wash the microwave turntable.
Squeeze in red-top Sriracha until it’s no longer far too sweet to drink. Wander around kitchen drinking and wincing, but unable to put down cup of burny hot happiness.
Sourdough bread (or any bread that will hold together under high tension eating)
Philadelphia (or your local supermarket’s identical but cheaper equivalent)
Sriracha (either flavour, but both together is best)
Arrange as so:
S A U C E
C H E E S E
B R E A D
Disclaimer: This tastes delicious, but if you have Thai friends, don’t ask for their honest opinion.
1) Put some rice on to steam. If you don’t know how to steam rice, boil it or open a packet or whatever. I don’t care. But the time the rice takes to steam is the outer limits on cooking time. 18 minutes from a cold start.
2) Chop up some garlic. As much as you can be arsed to chop up. Mince it until you’re bored.
3) In a wok, big pan, or whatever you can grab, fry the garlic in some oil. Add as much super-hot Sriracha as you think you can bear, or twice as much green-top Sriracha as necessary. The important thing here is to add some spicy sauce.
4) Add a can of coconut milk. You now have a delicious sauce.
5) Boil everything else in the delicious coconut spicy sauce. You can use a pre-cut stir-fry, or frag some veggies, or throw in leftovers. I won’t judge you. I don’t actually give a fuck what you eat, to be honest, as long as it’s not made of people, and you enjoy it. Lime zest or juice is good, and if you have a G&T habit you’ll have some you need to use up, but fuckit, it’s your decision.
5a) If you’re boiling meat, cut it up small and put it in first, to be sure it’s cooked. If it ends up overcooked, change that next time.
6) Eat. Optionally you can serve it first.